I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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