Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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