I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I have aggressive nipples.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Randomize
