I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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