I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I checked into jail on foursquare
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
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