Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
