my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
