My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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