oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
