Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
