you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
