He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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