we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
