I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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