1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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