Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Thank you for not boning my boss.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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