ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
