every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
