Im at strip club and am horny
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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