people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Fuck appropriateness.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
