omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
