I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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