my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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