I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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