I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize