So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
