i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
