Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
