Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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