well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
