I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
