You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
