thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
