i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Randomize
