i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
