the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
