Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
