I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
