i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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