I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
