im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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