how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
