I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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