Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
