If i come over, it means nothing
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
