Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
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