i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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