no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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