I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
