i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
