I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
