Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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