im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
