just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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